Centre of the universe

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday July 25, 2009

by STEPHANIE DOWRICK

EEgo is not a dirty word - in fact, it's important that we all have it in the right amount.Sigmund freud is no longer a giant on the cultural landscape, but some of his concepts remain useful as reference points in our self-understanding. Many people draw freely on his insights about the unconscious and conscious mind, and particularly on his identification of the ego as a key aspect of the human psyche, a kind of interface between our inner and outer worlds. No one, of course, has ever actually seen an ego (although many of us have felt its effects). Yet we instinctively know it as something both palpable and powerful. We often speak about ego in terms of "too much" or, less often, "too little". Toomuch ego, or being noticeably egotistical, has come to mean that someone has an inflated sense of their own importance. They may put themselves forward too eagerly or bring every conversation back to their own experiences. They may be insatiable for attention or praise. This means that while being around a person who appears to be ego-driven can be exciting, it is not likely to be comfortable.In one of the lovely paradoxes of human nature, most of us will gain confidence by paying less attention to ourselves and more to how we affect the people around us. The highly egotistical person doesn't have much room for others, except when they're meeting his or her needs. They may be "driven", but this shouldn't be confused with a strong ego. In fact, when someone is demanding, controlling and "never wrong" - or is quiet and timid but self-involved - this often masks anxiety and inner agitation, signs of a "weak" ego and insecure sense of self. Someone whose ego is in check doesn't have to dominate every situation or demand constant applause. They can make mistakes without blaming someone else, and enjoy other people's achievements without envy. Crucially, they don't have to put others down in order to feel "up".How we think about ego has become as much a cultural phenomenon as it is a psychological one. In Australia, for example, we exhibit highly ambiguous attitudes about how much self-involvement it takes to achieve unusual success. Increasingly, we drive ourselves - and our children - hard. We worship what success seems to promise. And yet both the tall-poppy syndrome and schadenfreude thrive here. This doesn't reflect well on us individually. It is also a sad comment on our collective psyche because the more we feel entitled to mock or crush other people, the more fragile our own inner confidence and ego are shown to be. The ego is only part of a much bigger theory of the human psyche. Freud attempted to describe humankind's complex psychology by suggesting that we each have an id, driven by instincts and self-focused appetites; a super-ego, ideally driving a reliable, sensitive conscience but sometimes highly critical, intolerant and moralising; and an ego that Freud himself called das Ich (the "I"). Each "I" develops self-awareness and self-mastery through relationships with other people and particularly through the challenges of intimacy. When someone's "I" functions well, it means they have woken up to the reality that they are not the centre of the universe and that their happiness depends on how well they connect with and respect others. This recognition makes life not just bearable but sometimes sublime. In some spiritual circles, there is open distaste for the ego as something to surpass. But that is also to misunderstand it. We need das Ich to live securely in the world. We also need it to check that "the world" extends way beyond our individual selves.